One of my most favourite things ever, is cuddling Aidan to sleep. It’s our special time together as mother and son. Since he was a baby, it’s been my most cherished part of everyday. 

I think it’s because he’s always moving – crawling, pulling himself up, tip toe walking, running, climbing, hand leading, rushing, playing, or getting into things he shouldn’t! On harder days, his body goes rigid with stress, tension, and anxiety. You can feel it in his arms and legs, even when you change his diapers. When he is completely overwhelmed and has behaviours, you can find yourself blocking kicking or grabbing – things he doesn’t do intentionally to hurt you, but out of pure frustration. Behaviours, that communicate his big feelings because he isn’t yet able to verbalise them. 

It just feels like his body is always in motion, like his hands are always busy, like he’s always working towards a goal, and like you need to pause him on a mission just to grab a quick kiss or cuddle. He’s so rarely at rest and relaxed during the day. I don’t think that that’s autism necessarily, I think it’s just toddlerhood. This is the busiest age for our little ones, and requires a high level of parental vigilance. No wonder we all fall into bed at the end of each day, ready to pass out cold! But that hour before Aidan falls asleep, is kind of beautiful to me. Because he’s nestled into me, quiet at last, and as he transitions from awake to asleep, I feel every muscle in his body begin to relax. I love knowing that he feels so safe and secure in my arms in that moment, that he’s able to leave all the day’s strains behind him. That he trusts me enough to watch over him as he settles into sleep. Those sleepy cuddles at night and first thing in the morning are the absolute best, and times when I forget about autism completely. It’s just us in our own little world, snuggling and intertwined, our bodies at rest and in synch together. 

I know too, that I will only get the joy of these cuddles for a short while, because my little boy is growing up so fast! Month by month, he becomes more independent – which is so amazing, but also strangely bittersweet. I will miss his littleness one day! So I will love and covet his cuddles for as long as I have them. I will cherish them every single day. And I will hope with my whole heart that they last as long as possible. That we fall into sweet dreams together, for many more months to come.