For a very long time, we would do whatever it took to prevent Aidan from becoming dysregulated. And when his triggers ramped up, and it became virtually impossible to prevent a tantrum or meltdown, we would do whatever it took to bring the behaviours under control as quickly as possible.
We genuinely believed that we were helping him by doing this, and saving him from a whole heap of needless drama and potential trauma. What we didn’t realise, and didn’t know until we began ABA with him, is that we were actually depriving him of an opportunity to learn how to self-regulate, by doing all the work for him. And further, we were reinforcing his belief that if he acted out forcefully enough, one or both of us would pivot from an undesired activity or care routine into activities he loved.
The truth is that at three years old, Aidan still doesn’t know how to self-soothe. He’s just never done it before. We have always used our voices, our bodies, our touch, breath work, and redirection, to help to calm him down. He has learned through experience, that if he becomes unsettled, we will redirect our energy and focus into bringing his nervous system back to baseline. Without realising it, we have somewhat disempowered our child and prevented him from learning how to build critical emotional resilience.
We also had no idea quite honestly, that our little man was quite so manipulative. We always assumed that all of his behaviours were beyond his control. And in the beginning, they certainly were. But as he grew up and became more self-aware, he soon learned that certain behaviours got certain responses, and he leaned into that a bit! In fact I would say that Aidan can be a smarty pants when it comes to conditioning his parents’ behaviour. But I think that that is true of all toddlers – on the spectrum or not!
The one thing that Aidan has always had, is a will of iron. He can be incredibly singleminded and can stay very focused on getting what he wants. This means that we rub up against adverse behaviours sometimes as we endeavour to correct mistakes, keep him out of harm’s way, and stand firm on boundaries we’ve put in place for a reason. But Aidan has the stamina to keep a meltdown rolling for many, many hours. And sometimes a desperate and exhausted parent does what they can to bring the meltdown to an end. It’s me. I’m the exhausted parent! But what I’m learning in spades as we go along, is that consistency is key. If you hold strong on something on Monday, but give him his way on Tuesday, he only learns that you’re strict on something unless he puts up a real big fuss about it. So weathering tears, fears, and escalation, is really important for him in the long term and it’s important to remember the bigger picture when things kick off.
Having said that, it takes time to reach a point of being able to be unaffected by pitiful cries or occasional targeted aggressions. It takes inner strength and a ton of patience to just wait it out. Because everything inside you is telling you to help him, or calm him, or shush him. And your own feelings of overwhelm are making that instinct feel very urgent. But ultimately, if he wants to rage, we need to let him rage. And we have to remain neutral and completely nonreactive until he begins to calm down.
Once de-escalation has begun, we can begin to give him all the attention he could possibly ever want or need. And in that way, we reinforce his desire to want to self-soothe and regulate, thus building his toolset to do so. Because the only person who can figure out how to calm Aidan down in any randomly given situation, is Aidan. He’s the only person who knows what he’s thinking, what his frustrations specifically are, and what he particularly needs to do to regulate himself. We have to have more faith that our little man can and will achieve this, if only we give him ample opportunities to practice it. And so we’ve finally begun to understand that tears and tantrums can actually be good learning opportunities for Aidan. And not these terrible things, these black clouds, and hard hours, that we’ve always thought them to be. It’s such a cliché, but… Short term pain for long term gain! Our case manager assures us that once Aidan begins to understand that putting oomph into a tantrum won’t achieve his goals, he will organically begin to realise that other, calmer, forms of communication will serve his purpose far better.
We are all learning together, growing together, and gaining better clarity and understanding as we go. As parents, we will inevitably make mistakes along the way, but we will keep going, keep persevering. Because a child with an iron will can use that wilfulness more productively than just for getting his own way in a moment of frustration. He can push all that energy into achieving fantastic things too. So sometimes the will that breaks me… also reassures me… that he will be just fine one day. Just fine! I imagine he’ll be a big personality… with steely determination, incredible intelligence, and beautiful intuition. And I honestly can’t wait to see him take the world by a storm, and realise all of his hopes and dreams!
