I almost named my website, “That’s Not What I Ordered”, because that’s what ran through my mind when I became a new mom! Just a giggle really, but true nonetheless. A close friend of mine had had a super low-maintenance baby girl, who was sleeping fully through the night by her fourth week, three weeks before Aidan arrived. This gorgeous little fairy was out of the house and meeting friends and family within her first week. Despite being first time parents, it was almost as if the couple just kept living their lives as they always had done – having a newborn didn’t seem to phase them one bit. Naively, I hoped for the same or similar, but oh boy… that’s not what we got! I’ve come to realise though that comparing our kiddos is an exercise in futility, and no matter what you expect being a parent will be like, or even what your baby may be like, the reality is most often very different! Amazing, in just so many ways. But also hair raising, in some others!
Starting a family is one of the most exciting and nerve wracking experiences of your life. Some of us go into pregnancy feeling somewhat prepared, others of us go in feeling a bit out of our depth. But all of us have one thing in common, and that’s that we can’t wait to meet our little one!
As parents-to-be, we spend hours discussing our “do’s and don’ts” for our own little bundle of joy! It’s such a wonderfully bonding time in our primary relationship. It also prompts us to think ahead, and dare to imagine a bigger picture for our lives: What jobs will we be doing, where will we be living, how many kids do we plan on having, what parenting approach will we be taking, and which schools will they go to? It’s so much fun to debate and map out together! But you know what they say about the best-laid plans… life has a way of throwing us a curveball or two.
As pregnancy progresses, we busy ourselves reading books, looking up Mom & Baby blogs, downloading parenting apps, following Momfluencers on social media, and absorbing our loved ones’ advice. We may even take a parenting class! We buy clothes, toys, diapers, ointments, and setup our nursery. We try to pre-prepare as far as possible for one of the biggest events in our lives. The last thing on our minds, is autism. But, autism happens.
If you happen to become a special needs parent like I did, the best advice I can give you is: Throw out the baby book. Studying anticipated developmental timelines will only cause you unnecessary stress and heartache. The generally accepted milestones, as applies to the majority of children, may not apply to yours. Your bub may not roll, crawl, walk or talk when other kiddos do. And that may make you feel scared, anxious, maybe even sad. And those feelings are perfectly normal! But remember, your child is progressing just exactly as they were meant to, even if a little slower, and every achievement is still extraordinary. Please also know that you are not alone. There are hundreds of thousands of special needs parents out there, in exactly the same boat, slowing down to give their children more time and space, learning the way forward as they go along. Just because we’re off the beaten track, doesn’t mean we’re lost. As I once quipped to my husband in a more lighthearted moment, “we’re not in Kansas anymore, Toto. We are somewhere over the rainbow!”
To find your feet quickly and with the least amount of stress for all, you need to stop focusing on the “shoulds” and start focusing on the “coulds”. Put all of your energy into your child’s amazing potential. The best thing you can do is to take all your cues from them. They will show you their likes and dislikes. They will indicate their particular needs or sensitivities. And they will hit their milestones entirely in their own way and at their own pace. All you need do is believe in them, encourage them, and set them up for success. There will be so many people along the road – care providers, educators, doctors, specialists, psychologists, and even people close to you – who will list the many things they say your child cannot do. Try not to get bogged down by that, what they say doesn’t matter. You know your child better than any of them do, and your child is not their diagnosis. They are so much more and they absolutely will succeed. In so many wondrous ways! They will write their own story, their own guidebook – you’ll write it together. You’ll advocate for them, until they can advocate for themselves. You’ll champion them, until they can champion themselves. You’ll love them unconditionally, and show them how to become their most authentic autistic selves. And with the right supports in place, your child will do and achieve more than anyone predicted they could. And that’s a promise from me to you!
