Our little no-sleep warrior, averages between 3 – 6 hours of sleep a night. Sometimes it’s more, and occasionally, it’s less. I’m in my forties and don’t fare as well on so little sleep, but I have learned how to function despite it. I think all moms do! But there are days where I am tired to my bones and an absolute Mombie. Coffee is a critical component of any busy day, and we’ve invested in a nice coffee machine to help keep the wheels turning. But I do struggle with focus somedays and for some reason, mostly when I’m running errands. I think because it’s the only time my mind isn’t focused on a task to hand.

Last night the wind was howling, and the rain was beating down on our roof and against our windows. Aidan got two hours of sleep. I got even less, because I have to keep myself awake until he’s fallen properly asleep after waking, or else my snoring annoys him. He’s not above a hard slap to the face if I snore beside him, and on days when I’m really exhausted, this mama snores quite a bit! Snoring is a big problem for Aidan which is why I co-sleep with him, and my husband sleeps separately – he’s as loud as a tractor! I woke up early this morning exhausted still, with aches in my back and neck, because Aidan was curled around my head and chest all night. I knew with this little sleep, it was going to be a day of big behaviours, and I wasn’t wrong. Aidan is so overtired, he doesn’t know what he wants, and is in permanent flop-and-drop. He keeps wanting to be lifted up and held for comfort, but at almost 30kg’s, we can’t do that for long. We have no choice but to put him down and let the next meltdown play out. It’s physically, mentally, and emotionally draining.

This afternoon, I had to pop to Constantiaberg Mediclinic to pick up Aidan’s Future Life Vita-Mix supplements from his Nutritionist. As I was driving, I slipped into a daze. My mind was completely preoccupied with thoughts of how our night with Aidan is likely to play out with his mood being so cripplingly low. I was preoccupied with how much prep I should get done before we take over from his team at the end of the day, knowing that he would be clinging to me like a limpet, and unlikely to let me get anything done the whole evening. I was also wondering how much earlier we should get him off to bed tonight, given that he was already overtired. Because sometimes, When Aidan is overtired, he fights sleep with the last of his remaining energy. I was thinking about how my husband Monty is sick with the new strain of COVID, and would be unlikely to be able to help me much with the physical aspect of managing a child in meltdown. And I was just really feeling quite wearied by it all, and beginning to feel a familiar feeling of deep dread creep in. 

I pulled into a parking space and looked around. Checkers. I was at Checkers in Plumstead. I suddenly realised how disassociated I’d been the entire drive-long. I tried to remember if I’d been a conscientious driver the whole time? I think I was? I think I drove carefully…? Nobody hooted at me, there weren’t any incidents… but then why am I sitting in the parking lot at a supermarket, instead of a neighbourhood away outside the hospital?! I guess somewhere in my brain fog, I must have been thinking about our shopping list. I don’t know about any other severely sleep-deprived special needs parents, but I have often driven to the wrong place, in completely the wrong direction, such is my exhaustion at times. I really do space out when I’m feeling super anxious about my child. And when I’m preoccupied by worry, autopilot takes over. And autopilot makes some strange calls! 

So I popped into Checkers, grabbed a loaf of bread – because I was there so why not – and headed to the hospital. When I turned back towards home, I turned the heating down, the radio up high, and cracked my window a bit. I wanted to be sure I was driving consciously, slowly, and safely for the ride home. And when I got back, I found my COVID-stricken husband passed out on the couch in front of his laptop. Watching him snore the afternoon away, I felt a touch envious. Not of his being so unwell, definitely not! But more because he has the ability to get rest when his body most needs it and I can’t. As exhausted as I usually am… my body doesn’t allow me to fall asleep during the day! It’s a super annoying idiosyncrasy that robs me of any ability to catch-up on rest! So… off to the kitchen I go… coffee it is!