One of the cutest things Aidan does is come get you to take you somewhere. That is, provided you’re not in the middle of something like cooking, cleaning, or using the bathroom! But I try to see it as his way of nagging mom to do something, get something, or facilitate something for him – just like any other toddler would. The only difference, is that he is nonspeaking, and hand leading is his primary form of communication. 

For a long time, Aidan couldn’t communicate at all, except through crying. And we had quite a lot of that going on at one point. But as soon as he realised you’d follow him if he took your hand, and that instant gratification was now a few short steps away, he would hand lead us all the time. He verbally stims by humming, and his hum would change tone depending on whether you were moving at a satisfactory clip, or not picking up the pace enough. His hum is very singsongy and one of his sweetest features – he’s so expressive, even with just a few tones! The hand leading and humming combined, seemed to be enough to get most things sorted for him, but as he grew, his needs became more complex, he still didn’t have any expressive language, and his frustrations were all the greater. 

I often wonder what it must feel like for Aidan to be on the outside, looking in. He sees everyone around him communicating with each other, in synch with one another, acting as a group together, and he has few means to actively participate in or debate the goings on. He has thoughts, feelings, desires, and dislikes, but he has to battle to make himself understood all the time. It must be so exhausting. And it’s heartbreaking for me to think that he may feel an “otherness”, even at his young age. Perhaps it’s a small mercy that he doesn’t yet know any different. 

All of us are working in tandem to equip Aidan with as many means and forms of communication as possible. The more options he has to get his needs met, the happier and more settled he will be. His ABA therapist has taught him to point to what he wants, to choose specific PECS, to use his ‘Let Me Talk’ app to request for things, and to prompt us to request our help. But his hand leading is by far his most predominant means of showing us what he wants. It can sometimes feel annoying to sit down or put your legs up, only to be pulled up and led around the house, regardless of how tired or preoccupied you are. Aidan doesn’t know not to interrupt whatever you’re doing at the time, and can be very insistent in the moment. And we’ve learned that we need to go with him to whatever it is he’s wanting our help with before deciding whether his request is reasonable or not, and complying with or denying it. 

For example, nowadays he will hand lead me to the front door in the evening when it’s already dark outside. I know from experience that he wants one of three things: To go for a ride in the car, to go and play with a sensory activity outside, or to be pushed on his swing set. And here’s where the disconnect comes in… because I can’t always guess at what he is particularly wanting through hand leading alone. Further, I have to find a gentle way to communicate that we can’t go outside because it’s nighttime. And if he’s not accepting of this explanation, his hand leading and humming can become more urgent as he begins to dysregulate into a tantrum. It’s at this point that I need to decide whether distractions and redirections will work to calm him down, or escalate him into a meltdown. I will normally withdraw my hand to indicate that the desired action will not be happening, and to prevent him from getting into a repetitive loop of leading me to the front door over and over again. If a meltdown does ensue, I stay present but neutral and unresponsive. If there are any aggressions, I will move away. 

Though we’re always busy with one thing or another, I make special efforts to go with Aidan when he hand leads. I want him to know that I will always be receptive, when he tries to communicate, whatever form that may take. Simply following him has taught me so much about not only his personality, but about the things he notices and wants to show me. And hand leading has helped me to understand what he wants and needs when I have no other means of knowing. So though it sometimes happens at awkward times, I still feel a little flutter of excitement and curiosity, each time my boy takes my hand.