This afternoon we attended my wonderful sister-in-law’s birthday celebration – a Mexican fiesta! Aidan was thrilled to get into the car, see his little blue backpack being popped into the boot, and his iPad being packed for the trip. Our big little man knows that when the backpack comes with, we are planning to be out of the house having fun for a good long while. Long enough to need spare diapers, wipes, clothes and snacks! And he also knows that when a device is packed for the journey, we are likely going someplace new. These days the iPad only ever leaves the house with him if he’s going to an unknown location where he may become overstimulated or overwhelmed, or otherwise where he may be required to sit/stand for a time – like at a friends’ table or languishing in a queue for a particular attraction. 

My sister-in-law’s new house is in the direction of Winelands Light Railway, which meant Aidan was absolutely thrilled to see us taking familiar turnoffs on the highway. There was a radiant smile on his little face, until we took an earlier exit he didn’t recognise. As we pulled into the driveway, a little crease of anxiety furrowed at his brow. We haven’t taken Aidan to someone else’s house other than his grandparents’ house in over 6 months. That’s because we end up chasing him around that house trying to prevent him from pressing buttons and turning knobs, opening drawers, slamming doors, posting household items under sofas or through open windows, climbing furniture, scaling stairs, hurtling down them again, dropping rocks in people’s pools, smacking their glass doors, flushing their toilets, screaming when approached by their pets, grabbing knives or scissors in their kitchen, tripping up and down split levels, and knocking over… everything. It’s so exhausting for us, we tend to take him out to outdoor activities, or just stay home. 

The first challenge was getting him through the front door. He eloped in the driveway and I was forced to drop everything I was carrying to go get him before he reached the road! He had heard the music inside and his auditory sensitivity had kicked in and he began to push back. Once inside, we shepherded him towards the kitchen so we could find the Birthday Girl and say “hi” to people we haven’t seen and have dearly missed, for many months! But little man didn’t want to cooperate. He raced off into this huge house and found a completely empty bedroom away from the crowd and noise, where he resolutely settled with his iPad. So Monty and I did what we’ve always done – take it in turns to supervise him and sit down and chat with people. Every 15 or 20 minutes, we swopped duties. This achieves two things: Aidan is not left unattended to hurt himself or destroy other people’s belongings, and we each get a few minutes of FaceTime with our friends. Once Aidan had settled into the vibe and tentatively left the spare bedroom, he was on the move – and moving at a clip. Monty and I spent the rest of the visit chasing after and herding him away from household items. 

But oh boy, it was so nice to sit for just a few minutes and chat to people we care about. It’s such an incredible rarity these days – even at our own home! And my goodness, have I missed it! When it was my turn to run after Aidan, I caught snippets of conversation here and there, and wished I could sit down to hear the whole story! But that’s just not the stage of life we’re in. We are constantly on the move. Because our son has no sense of danger, is very clumsy, appears naughty because of his curiosity and sensory seeking, and won’t listen to The Big Three: “Stop”, “Don’t” and “Come here”. 

As I raced around after my son, I could see other guests at the party taking in the spectacle. Their eyes followed us around as we blew around the house. It was a table full of adults seated comfortably, drinks, smokes, and phones in-hand. They all had kids, but their kids weren’t anywhere around. They were all playing sensibly in other corners and on different levels of the house – completely unsupervised, completely safe. And as the adults sat, chilled, talked, and laughed together, I ran. I ran at speed from one side of the property to the other over and over, before Monty tagged in and did the same. I have no idea what those guests were thinking watching us three! But they probably thought we parents were doing far too much, were being ridiculously overprotective, and should just let him explore and play. But Aidan doesn’t have the same neurological gatekeepers other kids have: “This is steep, I should watch my step” or “This is high, I should stay away from the edge” or “That’s sharp, I shouldn’t pick it up” or ”That’s hot, I shouldn’t touch it” or “That’s expensive, I shouldn’t play with it” or “That’s fragile, I shouldn’t throw it” or “That’s someone else’s toy, I shouldn’t take it from them”… etc. So he requires near-constant, high-level vigilance. And it is a lot. But it’s also 100% necessary, which most people don’t realise. 

There are just so many concepts that Aidan doesn’t understand yet! And things that we’ve tried to teach him that haven’t taken yet. And I suppose we worry people might ignorantly think Aidan is being naughty, based on his insatiable desire to get into everything. They may even believe that we just let him get away with all sorts, all the time. And that’s just not true. Aidan is sensory-seeking and impulsive, not badly behaved. And though we do tend to pick our battles on the rougher days, we are constantly trying to instill basic principles and values in him. We try to teach him the rules we all must play by in this world. But he genuinely doesn’t understand why things need to be a certain way sometimes, and he will not comply with something that doesn’t make sense to him. Aidan has learned how to navigate his way around at home, in a safe, familiar, and highly controlled environment. So the notion that he needs to adapt and behave differently anywhere else is completely unfathomable to him. There’s a neurological disconnect around this kind of thing, and that’s autism for you.

But I hope that one day, we can go on an outing, to a venue, to a restaurant, or a friend’s house… and Just Sit Down! There’s a lot more work needed and a very long way to go. But I have faith that we will get there, one step at a time!